


i care for myself the way i used to care about you

by lilydaydreams



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Advice, Bechdel Test Pass, Female Friendship, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Gen, Healing, Moving On, Post-Break Up, Vengeance Demon(s), Xander Harris Bashing, past anya jenkins/xander harris
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:55:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25199614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilydaydreams/pseuds/lilydaydreams
Summary: After her failed wedding to Xander, Anya knows just the person to wish ill on her ex-fiance so she can get her vengeance: Cordelia Chase. Cordy turns out to be a lot smarter and better at giving advice than Anya gave her credit for.
Relationships: Anya Jenkins & Cordelia Chase
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	i care for myself the way i used to care about you

**Author's Note:**

> Pretty much every woman Joss Whedon has ever written deserved a better fate and that is a hill I will die on, and that includes Anya. Specifically, Anya deserved purpose and meaning beyond capitalism and Xander Harris, and she deserved to be friends with her kindred spirit, Cordelia. So I made it happen.  
> I don't hate Xander, but there's a bit of Xander-bashing in here, because that's just what you do when someone leaves you at the altar, you know?  
> Set in an AU Angel season 3 where things are still kinda functional around Angel Investigations.  
> Title is from Lorde's "Hard Feelings/Loveless."

It was a brilliant idea, really.

Getting Xander’s friends to wish pain and torment on him obviously wasn’t going to work, and Anya kicked herself for not realizing that right off the bat. She’d brainstormed who else might be an option. Giles might have some harsh words for him, but he was thousands of miles away and probably too smart to wish anything in front of her. Spike hated Xander, but as Anya thought about it more, he would probably just offer her some bourbon instead of making a real wish. 

Anyway, granting wishes for men wasn’t really her jam, even if it was to achieve an end.

She needed someone else with a personal connection to Xander. Someone with enough pettiness to wish him harm. Someone he’d hurt deeply.

That’s how she found herself on a bus down to LA, ready to get coffee with Cordelia Chase.

* * *

“So what was so important I had to take the day off from work to get coffee with you?” asked Cordy skeptically, arms crossed. Her hair was short now, and while her features hadn’t changed much since Anya had last seen her, there was a kind of toughness and resilience in her face that hadn’t been there before.

“I don’t know how much you’ve kept in touch with people from high school,” Anya started.

Cordy wrinkled her nose in disgust. “Um, not at all.  _ So _ over that part of my life.” She tilted her head and reconsidered. “Well, technically I knew Angel and Wes in high school, but they don’t count. And Harmony, I guess. But she’s a vamp now and things didn’t end so well last time I saw her.” She looked at Anya again. “Aren’t you a demon?”

_ Ex-demon _ , Anya almost corrected her, before realizing that wasn’t technically true anymore. “Um, yeah,” she said, her tone defensive.

Cordy shrugged. “Hey, no judgment here. I’ve met good demons, and I’ve met bad demons. Not all too different from people.”

“Huh,” said Anya. “I wish people back in Sunnydale had that kind of attitude.”

Cordy’s face softened a little. “So what’s up? I’m not gonna lie, I was weirded out when you called me and said we had to meet out of nowhere. But you were there for me during that period in high school after Xander cheated on me when basically no one would give me the time of day, and I owe you for that one.”

Anya chewed her bottom lip. “So that’s actually what this is about. Xander.”

“Xander?” Cordy said with utter bemusement, twisting her mouth. “Why?”

“Well, after the two of you broke up, I went to prom with him, and we started dating after graduation, and long story short we almost got married and then he went and left me at the altar,” Anya said, deciding not to beat around the bush more than she already had.

“Oh,” said Cordy, seeming to take it all in. “I’m sorry to hear that, Anya, I really am.” She reached out across the table to squeeze Anya’s hand encouragingly.

Anya was again struck by how different she seemed. How much older, even though it had only been a few years.

“I thought we could talk, maybe, about how Xander’s hurt both of us. Being betrayed like that leaves lasting scars, I’m sure there’s some horrible, painful fate you’d like to wish — ”

“No.”

“No?” Anya echoed, confused.

“No,” Cordy repeated firmly. “Anya, it’s been a long time since Xander hurt me. I’ve moved past it, and I really can’t say I even think about his existence much anymore. More importantly, I’m not stupid, and I’m not gonna be part of whatever revenge plan you have cooked up to hurt him back.” Cordy leaned back in her chair and raised her eyebrows, daring Anya to question her.

Anya sighed, realizing her plan was a bust. She hadn’t given Cordelia enough credit; maybe she could try to get Spike to help out after all. “Alright, I get it. Just one more person siding with Xander in all of this,” she said bitterly. “I’ll take the next bus back to Sunnydale.” She started to get up out of her chair, but Cordy’s hand on her arm stopped her.

“What, you’re just leaving? Clearly, if you came all the way down here to talk, there are some issues that need working out.”

“The issue is that I want Xander to feel the pain that he inflicted on me, and if you’re not going to help with that, I’m not going to waste my time,” Anya informed her coldly.

“Anya, no offense, but pull your head out of your ass,” Cordy told her bluntly, blowing her bangs out of her eyes. “Would it kill you to just talk some shit with me for a little while instead of planning his demise? C’mon, I think it might help. And I have wine back at my apartment.”

Anya paused to reevaluate. The offer of wine and shit-talking, while not her original objective, might have some merits of its own. Maybe if she got Cordy drunk enough in the middle of saying some really, really bad things about Xander, the words “I wish” might pop up…

* * *

Four glasses of Moscato (perks of a demon constitution meant she was pretty tipsy, but not completely drunk and that there’d be no hangover the next day), a chocolate bar, and a weird but surprisingly pleasurable back massage from Cordy’s ghost roommate later, Anya was barely focused on revenge. She was thinking much more about how warm and fuzzy and floaty she felt — maybe she was more drunk than she’d given herself credit for — and how shockingly and wonderfully nice it was to talk to somebody who understood. She hadn’t felt like that, not really, since she and Spike had commiserated about their respective exes years ago, and even that wasn’t the same. There was just something about girl talk that was...different.

“Was there ever anything that Xander just, like, didn’t seem to get about you?” Cordy asked curiously, splayed out on one side of her couch with her own glass of wine. “For me, it always seemed like he acted like my personality was totally one-dimensional. Like I was just some shallow, dumb airhead who would never really appreciate  _ him _ . And I was definitely shallow in high school, but  _ hello _ , if that’s all there was to me, I wouldn’t have even been dating him in the first place.”

Anya nodded vigorously. “For me, he always acted like I was too blunt and opinionated, and even like he was sometimes embarrassed to be with me. It drove me crazy, but the whole gang seemed to think so too, so I just kind of went with it.”

“Exactly!” Cordy exclaimed, eyes wide. “He acted like saying what you meant and being honest about stuff was rude, or bitchy, or mean, but sometimes you just have to say things if no one else is going to, you know?”

“Well, that’s certainly what I think. But heaven forbid a woman speak her mind and be recognized for her valuable contributions to the group.” Anya yawned and stretched, curling herself up in the corner of the couch. 

“Does he still have his weird, kinda obsessive hangup over Buffy?” Cordy asked. “That always got on my nerves, and I never understood why it didn’t bug her more. No offense to Buffy. I hope she’s doing okay after she, like, died to save the world and stuff.”

“You mean how he feels the need to get involved in her love life, and how he’s overly protective of her even though she’s the Slayer and totally can take care of herself? That hangup? Yeah, kind of. Actually, wanna hear something about that?” Anya had never been much for gossip, but then again, she’d never really had any friends besides Hallie to gossip with. Anyway, she felt like Cordelia would appreciate it.

“Oh my god, absolutely,” Cordy affirmed. “Fill me in.”

“Okay, so I don’t know how much you’ve heard about stuff back in Sunnydale, but you know Spike? Vampire, Slayer-of-slayers, totally evil Spike?”

“Yeah,” said Cordy. “He stopped by a couple years ago. Asked me if I’d lost weight. Tortured Angel for some mystical artifact. The usual.”

“He’s not even really that evil anymore,” Anya said, and barely stopped herself from adding,  _ you could probably say that I’m evil-er, at this point _ . “Some government operation implanted a chip in his head that makes it so he can’t hurt humans, just other demons. He’s more or less switched sides.”

“Ooh, that  _ is _ good dirt. Why has no one been filling me in on this stuff? All I’ve heard from anybody is that Buffy died and then came back to life and Willow’s gay. So he’s like, working for the Scooby gang or whatever ridiculous name they’re calling themselves now?” Cordy asked curiously.

“Sort of. But that’s not even all. Around a year ago, Spike kidnapped Buffy, tied her up in his crypt, and confessed to being in love with her, which, needless to say, did not go well for him, and later he had a sex robot built that looked  _ exactly _ like her, and that didn’t go over great either. And then she mostly dropped it ‘cause apocalypse and hell god and all that. Priorities, you know?”

The look on Cordy’s face was somewhere in between awe and disgust. “What is it with men? Actually, what is it with vampires and Buffy?”

Anya gave a disinterested shrug. Hell if she knew. “Anyway, with all of that, Xander was just way too preoccupied with it. He was more concerned about the remote possibility of Buffy and Spike actually happening than Buffy was, or Willow, or Giles, or even Buffy’s mom. It was weird. So no, the hangup hasn’t died, and I don’t know if it ever will.” Cordy just rolled her eyes. “And this is totally speculation, but I’m convinced Buffy and Spike have something going on now. Like, there’s no way they haven’t had sex. Not that I’d ever tell Xander that, because it would induce a mental breakdown, and besides, we’re not on speaking terms at the moment.”

“Wow,” Cordy breathed. “On some level, I wish I’d seen all of this happen, but also this makes me  _ so _ glad I got the hell out of Sunnydale when I had the chance.”

Anya nodded. “You probably made the right call. Maybe I should’ve gotten out when I could. Not wasted my time on some man who would just ultimately abandon me.” Her voice wavered, and she twisted a piece of hair around her finger, trying not to tear up.

Cordy moved closer to her on the couch and gave her a quick hug. “Hey. Sometimes we beautiful, amazing, phenomenal women waste our time on men who suck, and that’s just part of life. You loved him, and I don’t think that was a waste of time, ‘cause loving somebody means you grow and you learn from it even if it doesn’t work out.” Anya sniffled at that and nodded tentatively. She continued, her voice gentle. “Take your time to grieve and heal from that. But focusing on how you want to hurt him back? That might feel good in the moment, but it just means you’re still hung up on him, just in a different way. That’s not real power. Real power is reclaiming yourself and building yourself up again.”

Anya wasn’t certain she agreed with that, but Cordelia’s words seemed to come from a place of deep sincerity and wisdom beyond her years, and her face was filled with so much earnestness and hope that Anya couldn’t bring herself to argue. She just nodded in response. “Thanks.”

“Okay, all that being said,” Cordy continued, face breaking into a wide grin. “I totally wanna hear about some of your greatest vengeance demon hits. Didn’t you spend, like, centuries avenging heartbroken women? You’ve gotta have some good stuff in there.”

“Oh, really?” Anya said, absolutely delighted. “No one from Sunnydale ever wants to hear about that. They all get so uncomfortable if I even mention it.”

“Totally. I mean, a millennium of vengeance on behalf of scorned women? Talk about a career.” Cordy set down her glass of wine and pulled herself up off the couch. “Hold on, I’m going to get us some ice cream and nail polish.” She disappeared into the kitchen and her bedroom and returned a few minutes later with a pint of chocolate fudge ice cream, two spoons, and several bottles of nail polish. She held the bottles out for Anya to inspect.

Anya selected a pale salmon pink. “Good choice,” said Cordy, nodding. “That one’s a little too warm for me, but it’ll look great with your skin and your hair.”

“Thank you!” Anya said brightly, unscrewing the cap.

“Okay, hit me. Vengeance demon stories. Go.”

She began to paint her left pinky nail as she spoke. “Okay, so, the curse that actually got me the vengeance gig in the first place…”

* * *

Anya was sleepy and content. She couldn’t remember ever having such a captive audience for her vengeance stories — everyone in Sunnydale seemed uncomfortable and disturbed by her past, and even reminiscing with Hallie was tinged with competitiveness and judgment at times.

It was for that reason that she felt like she should tell Cordelia her true reasons for being here. That and all the wine. “Cordelia...I haven’t been totally honest with you. I haven’t admitted this to anyone in Sunnydale because I think they’d flip if they knew, but I’m a vengeance demon again.”

Cordy’s reaction to this was remarkably  blasé . “Yeah, I kinda figured,” she said, shrugging and examining her now painted nails with disinterest. “You wanted me to make a wish so you could curse Xander. You’re not exactly subtle.”

“Oh,” said Anya, relieved that Cordy wasn’t pissed at her yet slightly dissatisfied that she hadn’t managed to be sneakier about the whole thing.

“I mean, that’s fine. Subtlety is way overrated. So’s being human. I’m not entirely human anymore either, you know.” She didn’t elaborate on the last part, and Anya decided not to ask. Cordy seemed tipsy enough that she might not be entirely in control of her own words anymore. “Anya, be honest with me. What do you really want?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, what’s your game here?” Cordy said, staring at her intensely. “Do you really wanna be a vengeance demon? If you do, all power to you, I guess. Like, try not to hurt innocent people, but there’s definitely some people out there who deserve vengeance. But is hurting Xander your ultimate goal? Or do you just wanna get back together with him?”

Everything had seemed so clear and straightforward when her mind had been fixed on cursing Xander, but now she felt confused and directionless. She didn’t like it. “I...I don’t know,” she told Cordy. “I just want it to stop hurting.”

“I’m gonna give you some patented Queen C advice,” Cordy said. “You can ignore it if you want. I don’t care. But as someone who also had the misfortune of being in love with Xander Harris, you have to find something else. Move on. It sucks centering your life around a guy. You’re way too good for that.”

“I don’t know how to move on,” Anya admitted softly, twisting her hands in her lap. “Everything I’m feeling —i t’s overwhelming. And I don’t know if I want to be a vengeance demon anymore, but at least vengeance gives me a purpose.”

“Oh, I totally get that. But there’s other stuff out there, honest. You can find something that makes you whole that’s not a stupid guy like Xander Harris  _ or  _ cursing people, I promise.” Cordy’s tone was so confident and self assured that Anya believed her wholeheartedly, but she was still confused about what she was actually supposed to do to move on.

“Like what?”

“Um….” Cordy drifted off, staring blankly into space for a moment. “Okay, I bet I’d be able to think of something for real if I wasn’t totally drunk. That’s for you to figure out, I guess.” Her eyes suddenly widened and she gave Anya a wide smile. “I just got an idea!”

“What?”

“I have this friend, he’s an anagogic demon. Kinda psychic, I guess? He reads people, and he can help you figure out your path. We can go chat with him tomorrow morning.”

“That sounds perfect,” Anya said, smiling back at her. “Cordelia...thanks for being so understanding about all of this.”

“Of course,” Cordy said. “That’s what friends do, and we’re friends now.” She picked up a throw blanket from the side of her couch and gently draped it over Anya’s form.

“You’ve helped me a lot tonight,” Anya said softly.

Cordy smiled, leaning down to brush Anya’s hair out of her face. “I’m glad you came to visit. Get some sleep.”

As Cordelia retreated into her bedroom and Anya drifted off, she thought for the first time since her failed wedding that maybe things would end up being okay. She fell asleep with a faint smile on her face.


End file.
